A practical guide to understand both low and high libido, drawing on science, straight talk and useful exercises to stop blame and rekindle pleasure.

From the Vatican to Vegas, From Disney to PornHub, we’ve been tricked into believing love and sex are like a hand in a glove, though few of us experience them that way. In Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth About Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire,Cyndi Darnell helps demystify our relationship to desire by making it authentic, relatable, and most importantly, attainable. Darnell guides readers step-by-step through a useful framework to discover their authentic longings while recognizing it can feel uncomfortable when they’re unaccustomed to deep, soul-nourishing conversations about sex. From reading this book, you will learn what desire needs to thrive and how to understand your unique erotic template.

At its core, Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It is honest. It understands that exploring sex is complicated in a culture that insists sex is both natural and dangerous. It doesn’t promise eternal happiness with tips and tricks in three-easy-steps. It does, however, get to the heart of how everything we’ve been led to believe about erotic desire is untrue, and demonstrates how these beliefs shape our struggles with cultivating pleasure and understanding the nature of passion. Darnell takes desire from a passive, resigned sense of failure to an inspired quest by offering countless prompts, practices, suggestions and reflections to help the reader understand why they’re feeling what they’re feeling, why they’re feeling stuck, what they really want, and how to get there. This book offers abundant alternatives to sexual struggles and tackles the self-doubt, awkwardness, and embarrassment of exploring erotic desire to support the reader in creating a dynamic erotic identity that is uniquely theirs.

Cyndi Darnell is a sex and relationships therapist, clinical sexologist, and leading authority on desire and libido. Originally from Melbourne, Australia, she now maintains a global practice from New York City where she offers consultations and coaching worldwide helping people resolve erotic quandaries and transform fear into freedom.

Introduction

Chapter 1: Everything We’ve Been Told about Sex Is Lies

Chapter 2: Why Pleasure Matters

Chapter 3: What is Desire?

Chapter 4: Desire Myths

Chapter 5: Different Kinds of Desire

Chapter 6: Looking Forward By Looking Back

Chapter 7: The Triangle of Satisfaction

Chapter 8: The Body Speaks

Chapter 9: Let’s Get Physical

Chapter 10: Taking Risks

Chapter 11: The Erotic Imagination

Chapter 12: Talking About Sex Like It Matters

Chapter 13: Troubleshooting

Bibliography

Notes

Index

About the Author

With Sex When You Dont Feel Like It, Cyndi Darnell cuts through the destructive and incorrect messaging about sex, desire, and libido and provides a practical, helpful, and needed guide to intimate self-discovery.
— Dr. Jen Gunter, New York Times-bestselling author

Sex When Your Dont Feel Like It reads like an entrancing novel filled with poetic imagery and prose that will want to be read again and then again. This up to the minute collection of sexual truths, knowledge, and practical exercises will playfully activate your curiosity for taking a deep dive into the depths of your own erotic desires and those of the sexual partners who bring their desires to you. Cyndi Darnell has written the consummate guide for discovering the many meanings and pleasures that are awaiting to become known within our human sexual and erotic desires.
— Doug Braun-Harvey, LMFT, author, trainer, and psychotherapist

Forget everything you think you know about sex and relationships and read Sex When You Dont Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire. Cyndi Darnell has written the consummate guide to getting your groove back that will transform the way you see your relationship with desire and how it shows up in your life. Cyndi Darnell deftly breaks down why many of us have discordant sexual desire and long for more intimacy in our relationships, and challenges many long held beliefs while offering up a new paradigm for (re)building the sustainable, pleasurable, and rich relationships that we all crave.
— Elle Chase, author of “Curvy Girl Sex”

Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It is a much-needed alternative to the standard sex advice literature. Cyndi Darnell brings her wealth of sexological and therapeutic expertise to bear on the all-too-common experience of mismatched desires—both with partners and with our own expectations. Rather than pushing anyone towards a cookie cutter version of what sex should look like, she guides us in opening up our erotic imaginations, and how we might communicate these—verbally and physically—with ourselves and others. A refreshing read packed with genuinely helpful information and advice.
— Meg-John Barker, author of “A Practical Guide to Sex”

With disarming good humor and the kind of frank language you’d want to hear from someone talking to you about what the hell is going on with your sex drive, Cyndi Darnell asks the right questions to help unlock the dusty, old attic you’ve kept your erotic desires locked up in. And she does this for you no matter your gender, sexuality, age, or relationship status. Um, wow.
— Kate Bornstein, author of “Gender Outlaw”

This is the book I’ve been waiting for! Cyndi Darnell shatters the myth of “normal” sex, and cuts through the blame-and-shame game of mismatched desires in this essential, optimistic book. Whatever your gender identity, sexual preferences, or relationship style, you’ll delight in Cyndi’s no-nonsense, humor-filled approach to sex—no platitudes, no diagnoses, no right and wrong. Just a get-real guide to expanding your vision of your own sexuality and sharing it with others with meaning, joy, and ease.
— Barbara Carrellas, author of “Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century” and “Ecstasy is Necessary”

Cyndi Darnell’s book is a gift for those who have unsubscribed from outdated assumptions, ingrained apathy, and the lie that you can’t have it all. You can with this book. Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It is a total circuit breaker for those who feel like their days of sex and connection are over. A spectacular and life changing book. I am so excited for all those people about to turn their lives around.
— Catherine Deveny, author, comedian, and columnist

In Sex When You Dont Feel Like It, Cyndi Darnell brings both powerful insight and useful tools to one of the most widely acknowledged issues in modern day relationships. For high & low desire partners alike, and people of all genders, this book is set to be my go-to recommendation for couples struggling with mismatched libido.Definitely add this to your must-read list.
— Emily Morse, creator and founder, “Sex With Emily" podcast