What Is Compersion?

Marie Thouin, PhD is the author of What Is Compersion? Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships, the first-ever comprehensive scholarly book on compersion. She has been featured in several magazines and podcasts, including ELLE, the Savage Lovecast, and Multiamory. Thouin has also published seminal research studies, the first encyclopedia entry on compersion, and is the creator of www.whatiscompersion.com, a popular website that features her research, blogs, media appearances, and a list of resources on the topic of compersion. Founder of Love InSight, a mindful dating and relationship coaching practice, Dr. Thouin supports and guides people of all backgrounds and relational orientations to create intentional and vibrant love lives.

Acknowledgments

Foreword by Jessica Fern

Introduction

What Is Compersion?

Compersion and Buddhism

Prevalence of Consensual Non-Monogamy

Mononormativity and Compersion

How Is Compersion Relevant to Monogamous People?

The Research behind This Book

Contributions and Relevance of This Book

Should Compersion Always Be the Goal?

Overview of the Book

Notes

Chapter 1: Developing a Non-Mononormative Relationship to Jealousy as a Foundation for Compersion

The Entanglement of Jealousy and Mononormativity

Different Types of Jealousy

Essentialist, Cross-Cultural, and Socially Constructed Perspectives on Jealousy

Jealousy and Power Dynamics in CNM Relationships

How CNM People Relate to Jealousy Differently: The Advent of Non-Mononormative Jealousy

The Malleability of Jealousy

Notes

Part I: Components of Compersion

Chapter 2: Positive Empathy

What Is Empathy?

Participants’ Accounts of Positive Empathy

Notes

Chapter 3: Gratitude

Participants’ Accounts of Gratitude

Is Compersion Selfish or Selfless?

Notes

Part II: Dimensions of Compersion

Chapter 4: Two Kinds of Compersion: Attitudinal and Embodied

Attitudinal Compersion

Embodied Compersion

Is Compersion Necessary?

Congruence with Previous Research

Notes

Chapter 5: Spectrum of Compersion

Understanding the Spectrum

Is the Spectrum Linear?

Is the Spectrum Hierarchical?

Other Flavors of Compersion

Chapter 6: Coexistence of Jealousy and Compersion

Participants’ Accounts of Jealousy and Compersion Coexisting

Comperstruggle

Fluidity between Jealousy and Compersion

Explanatory Frameworks for the Coexistence of Jealousy and Compersion

Part III: A Compersion Roadmap

Chapter 7: What Promotes Compersion?

Grouping 1: Individual Factors

Grouping 2: Relational Factors

Grouping 3: Social Factors

Notes

Chapter 8: What Hinders Compersion?

Grouping 1: Individual Factors

Grouping 2: Relational Factors

Grouping 3: Social Factors

Notes

Part IV: A Comprehensive Model of Compersion

Chapter 9: A Proposed Theory of Compersion

Congruency and Exceptions

A Dual Control Model of Compersion

Applying the Model in Practice

Notes

Part V: Social Lenses on Compersion

Chapter 10: The Role of Coming Out and Pride in Compersion

What Is Coming Out?

Identity Development and Coming Out for CNM People

CNM Resilience, Coming Out, and Compersion

CNM Identity Development Based on Perception of Innateness versus Choice

Chapter 11: Social Positionality and Compersion

The Research Process

Is Compersion a Privileged Emotion? The Surprising Impact of Compounded Discrimination

Compersion as Resistance

Compersion and Age or Stage of Life

Compersion and Disability

Compersion and Gender

Sexual Orientation and Compersion

Race and Compersion

Socioeconomic Status and Compersion

Conclusion: The Double-Edged Sword of Otherness

Part VI: Concluding Thoughts

Chapter 12: Can Compersion Be Learned?

Learning by Creating a “Fertile Terrain”

Learning by Example

Learning by Unlearning

Learning by Shifting Paradigms

Learning through Practice

Learning by Cultivating Empathy

Learning by Doing

Conclusion

Notes

Chapter 13: Parting Words: Compersion, Personal Transformation, and Social Change

Notes

References

Index

About the Author

Dr. Marie Thouin’s not just a researcher, shes a philosopher. In her remarkable new book, What Is Compersion?, Thouin unlocks the transformative potential of the simple act of noticing how the joy you can receive from your partner’s delight can empower you in so many ways, serving to disempower jealousy and territoriality. Thouin’s research demonstrates how the world could look from the point of view of compersion, and how taking joy in your partner’s (or friend’s or relations of any kind’s) happiness can bring joy to you in all of your relationships.

If you are a seeker of sexual freedom and clean love, as I hope you are, for heaven’s sake read this book. And then go shine the light of compersion on your lovers, friends, family, and everyone you care about.

— Dossie Easton, LMFT, coauthor with Janet W. Hardy of The Ethical Slut

Who knew compersion comprised an entire universe? This book is absolutely riveting! I just kept turning the page because I could not wait to find out what Marie Thouin was going to say next about compersion! I promise you that you will be up all night reading all 278 pages of this fantastic book, as you will not be able to put it down! This is truly the complete story and covers everything you ever wanted to know about compersion, plus a lot more knowledge that you didnt even realize you absolutely needed.

— Kathy Labriola, counselor, nurse, author of Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships

Drawing from solid research, Thouin breaks down the nuts and bolts of how compersion actually works—the mindset, context, and special sauce that facilitate this often misunderstood concept. Whether youre non-monogamous yourself, a professional helping clients, or just a curious human, this book is an essential look at the potential of our hearts to share in each others joy. Thouins work pushes us to explore uncharted territory in how we experience intimacy and connection.

— Dedeker Winston, author of Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships and The Smart Girls Guide to Polyamory

Marie Thouin has been at the vanguard of compersion research for a decade, and her book is destined to become a classic. What Is Compersion? boldly and compassionately presents both the first evidence-based model of compersion and a plethora of practical tools to cultivate this jealousy-transforming positive emotion in everyday life. Regardless of whether you lean toward monogamy or polyamory (or somewhere in-between), this groundbreaking book will assist you to achieve freer and more-fulfilling intimate relationships—and to open your heart beyond what both culture and history have considered possible.

— Jorge N. Ferrer, PhD, author of Love and Freedom: Transcending Monogamy and Polyamory

Marie Thouin offers a deep and compelling dive into compersion as it is understood and experienced by people in consensually non-monogamous relationships. The voices of her research participants come through loud and clear, and Thouin handles their experiences with nuance, clarity, and empathy. There is much about all relationships, not just consensually non-monogamous ones, to glean from this important book. Whether you are currently practicing consensual non-monogamy, curious about consensual non-monogamy, or want to bring positive empathy to your monogamous relationship, this book is a must-read.

— Mimi Schippers, Tulane University; author of Polyamory, Monogamy, and American Dreams and Beyond Monogamy: Polamory and the Future of Polyqueer Sexualities

One of the most difficult aspects of approaching consensual non-monogamy is unlearning notions of competition and ownership in relationships. Part of that difficulty is that we dont often have specific resources or models for success in that regard. Dr. Marie Thouin is tackling that head-on, and its a long time coming.

— Kevin A. Patterson, MEd, author of Loves Not Color Blind

Dr. Marie Thouin illuminates the transformative and enriching power of compersion. Through relatable stories and deeply researched wisdom, her insightful exploration guides readers toward fostering trust, intimacy, and boundless love in all their relationships!

— Joli Hamilton, PhD, MHC, CSE, founder of the Year of Opening; author of Project Relationship

Marie Thouin’s What Is Compersion? delves into an under-researched topic in the wider area of non-monogamies—the titular ‘compersion’. Through a mix of different perspectives, both theoretical and empirical, Thouin resists the urge to talk about emotions as ‘new’, ‘different’, or merely psychological. Thouin’s book has as its greatest strength the capacity to doubt its own topic, and to problematize current normative assumptions—not those from mainstream mononormative ideology, but those coming from a neoliberal polynormative approach to non-monogamies. Thouin’s book shows, time and again, that a DIY approach to relating results in a misunderstanding of how deeply socially embedded emotions are. Through What Is Compersion?, readers will be able to engage with the ways in which what they feel—what they are socially allowed to feel, what is easier to feel, and what to do (or what is doable) with those feelings—cannot be considered outside of power, discrimination, access to resources, and many other situated group experiences.

This book is, fortunately, not recommended for those looking for a facile ‘how-to’ on compersion. It is, however, very much recommended to those who are looking at the myriad ways power structures can have an impact on our emotional landscape. Hopefully, this book will serve as a powerful push-back against the oppressive, and weaponized, norms around compersion, jealousy, and (polyamorous) purity politics. At a juncture where some non-monogamies are becoming increasingly visible, this book is a sobering read about the paths—and, more importantly, the constraints—through which we are made to navigate.

— Daniel Cardoso, Manchester Metropolitan University; Gender and Sexuality Research Group, RCASS; LUSOFONA University, Lisbon, Portugal

Over the past three decades, psychotherapy has experienced an important corrective by integrating bodily experiences into its therapeutic approaches. What Is Compersion? by Marie Thouin serves as a critical resource for an evolutionary step in psychotherapy. Understanding compersion will not only equip therapists with new relationship models but also guide their clients in interpersonal pedagogies of joy.

— Joseph Kramer, PhD, somatic sex educator

Without pedestalling polyamorists, as they are human after all, I am again reminded of poly communities of care and the cultivation of compersion. This genuine joy in the joy of others, the desire for love and care of others, is the nurturing and refreshing this world needs. Marie Thouin takes us into the realities and practicalities, cautions and exhilarations of compersion. Whether we consciously choose monogamy, polyamory, or aloneness, compersion is needed in all of us, for all of us.

— Maria Pallota-Chiarolli, AM, author of Border Sexualities, Border Families in Schools and Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men

I have been describing this book to anyone who will listen! Marie Thouin works with existing research, as well as her own, to identify key elements of compersion and how to facilitate or discourage it within relationships! I havent ever seen it laid out this clearly before—anyone working with CNM in their clinical practice needs to read this book. Clients come in wanting this information from clinicians, and many simply dont have it.

— Elizabeth Duke, PsyD

Dr. Marie Thouin‘s book, What Is Compersion?, is a monumental step in helping to rewrite the monogamous script that runs our modern world. Her research and perspectives about compersion challenge this very outdated programming and, I believe, have the potential to shift all relationships in the best possible way. This is how we make real changes within ourselves, which inevitably will extend out into our world making it a more loving and compassionate place to be.

— Carrie Jeroslow, best-selling author, relationship diversity advocate, and host of the Relationship Diversity Podcast

Required reading for anyone working with non-monogamous folks. Thouin’s extensive research and compassionate, nuanced approach will give non-monogamous and monogamous people alike a new understanding of themselves and how to feel better in relationships. A landmark work in helping us build a more supportive, connected, and loving world.

— Irene Morning, somatic pleasure coach, intimacy educator, polyamorous human, and author of The Polyamory Paradox: Finding Your Confidence in Consensual Non-Monogamy

What is Compersion? speaks to diverse relationships, including and beyond non-monogamy. Dr. Marie Thouin’s research edifies as it highlights the better relating made possible when we support our loves in enjoying the touch and care of another. Developing compersion in one’s body, heart, and/or mind can help nurture our one-on-one relationships and may help us build stronger webs of sustaining relations across our lives.

— Kim TallBear, author of The Critical Polyamorist blog; professor, Native Studies, University of Alberta

Marie Thouin gives readers a fresh take on how to understand the benefits and nuances of compersion within intimate relationships. More important, this book offers a road map and comprehensive model for how to use this knowledge to promote compersion within relationships that greatly benefit from it.

— Ashley Ramos, MA, AMFT

This book breaks down the assumptions and stereotypes frequently levied against non-monogamous relationships and provides both an academic examination as well as a practical model for moving past them and into positive, mutually ethical dynamics of compersion and joy.

— Jeanne Marie Kusina, interim director of The Center for Excellence in Teaching and Learning; Distinguished University Lecturer, The University of Toledo



 

This book labels and articulates the elusive, yet powerful, experience at the heart of polyamory: compersion. While the practical benefits of polyamory are obvious (more diverse sex, an intimate support network, sharing of material resources, more caregivers and role models for children, and so forth), compersion, the empathetic sharing in the joy of multiple partners, is the emotional glue and goal that unites poly-folk. Marie Thouin systematically explores the nature, practices, and implications of this feeling.

— Albert Spencer, communications director, Society for the Advancement of American Philosophy; assistant professor, Department of Philosophy, Portland State University



 

This book brings CNM lifestyle to the fore, and removes stigma, by illustrating through qualitative research the benefits and values of moving to compersion. Thouin shows how emancipation from fear of threat, loss, and abandonment can be achieved through compersion in CNM relationships.

— Shari Collins, University of Arizona