Introduction xv1 Beginning to Learn 11. My Story: A Fear of Commitment 31.1 A paradigm shift 91.2 Everything coming together 122. How Family Systems Theory Works 152 Rethinking Love 171. Challenge Your Assumptions about Love 191.1 What is love? 211.2 Move beyond feelings: Jerry McGuire 231.3 Using relationships for validation 272. A New Paradigm: Knowing Ourselves 292.1 How close is too close? 302.2 Differentiation: Finding a healthy distance 322.3 Why compromise fails 36vi Learning to Commit2.4 Fighting fusion: being your own person 402.5 Pursuers and Distancers 423. The (Naturally) Dark Side of Relationships 443.1 Matching your emotional maturity 473.2 Too many fish? 493.3 Warming up those cold feet 513.4 Communication issues 543.5 Jealousy and external threats 584. Why Sexual Intimacy Fails 604.1 Relationships ebb and flow 614.2 Faulty assumptions about sex 644.3 A focus on technique and tools 655. Prolonging Your Own Pain 666. What Now? 693 Growing 711. Inertia versus Change 742. Embracing Pain 772.1 Standing on our own two feet 802.2 Learning to soothe our own anxieties 802.3 Taking risks leads to growth 802.4 Working on your relationship is a two-way street 803. Preparing to Go Home and Work on Your Family of Origin 813.1 Broaden the picture 823.2 Cultivate good questions 823.3 Discover the story of you 833.4 Be patient with yourself and others 834. Studying Your Family of Origin 844.1 Offering perspective 844.2 Objective assessment 854.3 Rethink your family dynamic 854.3a Case study: Susan, on her own 854.3b Case study: Greg, with a professional 92Contents vii4.4 Family exploration: Getting started 965. Dating with Your Eyes Open 984 Moving Forward 1051. Next Steps 1091.1 Tips going forward 114Resources 115
